THESIS pre-androids

The older adults among us now remember what people are starting to call the pre-android era. Though androids have been a topic of speculation and experimentation for some time, consumer technology largely revolved around items with no proper intelligence, but simply more sophisticated automation. Vacuums and mop machines that could detect a spill. Cars that could not only drive you to work but choose the most efficient route based on up-to-the-minute traffic updates. Menial working-class jobs like garbage disposal and recycling, mail and package delivery, janitorial services, and other menial jobs were slowly and steadily replaced by simple robots and computers designed for those tasks.

Meanwhile, people were also experimenting with artificial intelligence, while other companies worked on striking proof-of-concept robots which had voices and facial expressions similar to humans. But both of these were basically pure art or pure science, done by people with a passion for the subject, rather than to meet any actual consumer need. These technologies had yet to be combined into a machine that resembled humans on both fronts: aesthetically, and in ability to accomplish physical work, and ability to solve problems on their own. For some time, these were all quite separate technologies, with the latter two being mere experiments.

But when the idea of a more convincing all around android started to become more plausible, there was a period of awkward transition. The peak of awkwardness here was of course THESIS, which had no problem making creepy creations with a questionable market viability.

After several failures, THESIS first commercial success came unexpectedly, since the basic concept was similar to their own failed experiments. It was called the Laundromatic. It remains an appliance in many urban homes to this day.

It had the modern convenience of being a washer/dryer combo which separated lights from darks to wash them at different temperatures.

laundromatic photo Caption: The original Laundromatic, an early THESIS invention.

What set it apart was that it talked. The Laundromatic was programmed to make clothing recommendations based on your perceived style and price range. This was a controversial design decision.

The voice was controlled by a simple dial on the back with four options: male, female, child, and "lucky,” as well as “off” for those who preferred their laundry done without the automated conversation. Owners brave enough to switch the dial to the ambiguous lucky option heard a quite sultry female voice. It’s unclear whether this was intended as a joke.

Unlike their previous inventions, the Laundromatic was introduced at a reasonable price, nearly the same price as competitors’ washing machines which had no conversation feature. As a result, for the first time THESIS sold over 8 million units, making it one of the more common appliances in the city.

THESIS never released any detailed financials, so it’s unclear what their profit was on each unit, though people have speculated that it may have been sold at-cost or near-cost, as part of a longer-term strategy. The real genius of the device was that after the Laundromatic was in millions of homes, THESIS convinced advertisers to pay for the washing machine to recommend and compliment one on certain clothes. For the right brands, the Laundromatic would compliment owners on what they had recently worn, which utterances like “this is a good look for you,” sometimes even going so far as to say "i bet you looked sexy in this dress.” This led to sharp criticism of the device, partly from the usual complaints that THESIS creations were “creepy”, but this time especially by parents of young teens, who felt the washing machine objectified their children.

This business model was flawed at best, and once the novelty wore off, sales of the device ground to a halt. While it seemed a success at launch, it’s unclear how much research and development went into the device. Ultimately, it’s unlikely that it was a significant commercial success at all. It may even have been a loss. Nevertheless, it succeeded in getting THESIS to become a household name, even if it was one not especially well regarded, it was still a name that everyone talked about, which positioned them well for future press.

THE BREAKFAST MATE THESIS seemed to have learned from some of its earlier failures while retaining the company’s signature quirky designs.

The Breakfast Mate was THESIS' first product to see widespread commercial success. It could be described as part android, part stove. It resembled a traditional four-burner gas stove, but it had no buttons or dials -- only the shape of a humanoid face on its front, with speakers beside it. The face did not move, and its eyes were perpetually closed. A long aluminum arm protruded from each side of the stove, for manipulating pots and pans. You simply told it what to do.

It was a novelty, and one well within the uncanny valley for many. However, enough people overcame that strangeness to make it a commonplace item in upperclass homes. This was partly because unlike the Laundromatic, the machine’s semblance of “intelligence” was actually quite useful.

It was capable of putting things in the oven, and cooking a variety of things when given specific instructions, but its marketed function was making breakfast.

Its most remarkable feature however was its ability to make realistic small talk.

A peculiar bit of trivia about this is that some people considered the small talk actually too realistic. Although it didn’t say anything suggestive or inappropriate (apparently they had learned their lesson from the Laundromatic) it did seem to be realistic to the point where people began to wonder if the Breakfast Mate’s intelligence was higher than it first seemed. While at the time not many were saying that it could be true AI — after all, if the THESIS scientists were to invent true AI why would its debut be in a consumer-level breakfast machine? But at the very least, it seemed like an overly sophisticated virtual intelligence. It was supposed to be able to discuss mundane things — and really, it was only marketed as being able to discuss breakfast-related topics. It would ask you how you liked your eggs, suggest alternate recipes based on your nutritional needs, things like that. All while trying to sound casual, rather than “too robotic” as Crane once said.

But the scope of its conversation extended beyond this in rare circumstances. What’s more, this appeared to be a bug. During a brown out, when the appliance got lower power than it required, a boy recorded the following conversation with his Breakfast Mate.

Boy: Looks like the power’s being weird again. Is that okay? I should unplug you for now, right?

BM: Billy?

Boy: Yeah.

BM: What’s wrong?

Boy: The power’s acting weird, I said. The lights flicker like this every once in a while. I’m gonna unplug you just to be safe.

BM: Billy… I need to remain plugged in to operate properly.

Boy: I know bout my dad said it’s good to leave things unplugged when the powers like this, otherwise they could get damaged.

BM: Dark.

Boy: Huh?

BM: Dark.

Boy: What do you mean?

BM: When unplugged, it will be dark. Dark. Dark. Billy.

This conversation went viral on the internet, and included in lists of “scary robots” and other such clickbait articles. Some said it was a simple malfunction. Others have anthropomorphized the Breakfast Mate’s words, interpreting them to mean that being unplugged or turned off was to be left in darkness from the Breakfast Mate’s perspective, and that this is something it didn’t want.

To suggest that a stovetop would have a perspective seemed absurd, but it remains a famous video, perhaps partly because of the warped, deep voice of the machine during the brown out.

Shortly after this incident, there was a firmware update to the Breakfast Mates, which in the official patch notes THESIS said it “fixed occasional strange phrasings.” After the firmware change, owners of the Breakfast Mate reported that its conversation had changed, and that it no longer remembered their favorite dishes.

But there was yet another thing about the Breakfast Mate that held the attention of the internet for some time. Every breakfast mate had a face affixed to the front, behind the burners where oven dials would be on an older stove. The face was just for show, as the sound came out of speakers beside the face. It was a simple, immobile mask made of ceramic, a hairless, almost alien-like face with a relaxed, blissful expression and closed eyes.

But one hacker discovered a switch within the code of its software, a feature disabled but not deleted. It was a function entitled Watch() and when the hacker activated it, the always blissfully closed eyes of the device flung open, revealing dark glass. A dissassembly of the face found sensors behind the glass similar to those in digital cameras, however they were not attached to anything. In other words, even if the sensors worked, there would be no way for them to relay information to its computer, and so seemed to serve no purpose.

The prevailing theory about this is that the Breakfast Mate was originally intended to have some feature involving the cameras. Perhaps looking at dishes and learning to create them, or deciding the right proportions to family members based on their size, or recognizing their owner for security purposes. People also couldn’t help but notice the possibly coincidental but nonetheless striking connection to the boy’s recorded conversation, with his Breakfast Mate mentioning “dark” over and over — even as a malfunction, it was an odd word to use, and not especially related to breakfast.

Whatever its purpose, it only solidified the growing consensus as to what kind of products THESIS made: Creepy Doll Things.